CONNECTING TO PEACE IN THE INTENSE INVASION OF EMOTIONS
I watch all day this particular dedective series from Scotland while living my life at home, painting, eating, even napping… because I love their accent, and it keeps me company. Mostly not following the story, except something catches my attention…
Yesterday, while napping suddenly woke up with a playing song in the series… which touched my heart deeply and stirred up buried emotions from the past…
In the scene, a teenager boy studying in a very disciplined catholic school plays this song for the battered woman living next door so that she can listen to it through the walls, and heal her inner wounds.
They don’t communicate, except playing songs for each other through the walls…
Without knowing the context of this song, I woke up from a deep nap with it while playing in the series and with intense emotions like rising above the still water…
This song was like a stone thrown to a lake and stirred it with sudden waves…
I could not stop crying out loud. In waves… I was this battered woman, and abused, and bullied teenager boy.
I did not question nothing, just watched the scene several times… and felt and cried out loud.
I cried until I emptied my energy, and went napping again of exhaustion.
This morning, I listen to this song again…all same feelings invaded me. The same intensity. Again, waves and waves…
I knew how the teenager boy felt, and the battered woman… I knew all. I have been there.
COMING BACK TO MY LIFE
This story was not about them, but about me.
This beautiful love story was my life. My past.
I studied in a very disciplined catholic girl school, and I had a horrible teenager life. Psychologically abused, harasseed, bullied, left alone with my emotional wounds… At school, and at home.
I remember living only for fighting back because I always knew deep within me that I was simply in the wrong place. I always knew that these abusive people were real, I was real, yet the wrong was the fact that I should have lived there until I could leave and live in different places.
These abusive people of my past did everything to fit in a one place to survive.
I did not.
I always knew that I did not need to fit in. I always knew that Planet was my playground. I was born into this world with this knowledge.
When I was sixteen years old, I fell finally in love with a teenage boy at the same age studying in a military school. Same discipline, and pressure, abuse and violance in our daily lives… Wounded beautiful human beeings, we were, and left alone to handle it.
We met once when we decided that we liked each other. Only once in a park… friendly meeting.
The rest of the relationship was made by letters and phone calls… For over 2 years. Every day, day and night…
I received the best love letters of my life… I also want to think that I gave him the most beautiful ones…
We never wanted to meet and go physical, never.
We just wanted to be loved, accepted, and fight together against violence with our love, art and beauty. Innocence.
When we ended the relationship, it was when it started to hurt us. When we grew out of it.
We never tried to connect to each other again.
It was not about it.
COMING BACK TO PEACE
I can’t get enough of listening Annie Lenox song, “Cold’ which started all of this invasion of intense emotions buried in the deep stillwater…
Crying, writing and feeling relieved… lightened… more centered each time. Also more alive.
Connecting to this battered, abused, harassed and bullied, left alone and deeply suffered beautiful teenager girl; me.
I merge with my past, my shadow.
Writing helps me to do that. And listening to this song. And thinking of this good looking hopeful young man… who was brave enough to fight back with a wounded girl against all injustice and violence around us. I truly hope that I also heal his wounds by connecting to mine.
I know I do.
HOW IT FEELS PEACE?
Peace does not feel “high vibe” as described by unicorns and rainbows spiritual people.
Peace is silent and looks like a still water, and all life under water.
Peace is embracing shadow and merging with it.
Peace is worshipping all your feelings, but not following blindly one of them.
Peace is what I feel right now; complex, intense and indestructible.
Peace is your innocence.
Peace is your willingness to fight back and inviting others.
Peace is being brave for living and leaving all.
Peace is believing.
Peace is now and here. As you are.